Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Curb your enthusiasm

I'm actually not a particularly sappy person, and I tend to keep my sentiment to myself. If I feel strong positive emotions about something I keep quiet about it. I don't need some other persons opinion ruining my happy things.

But in the last few years I've learned the value of being enthusiastic and unreserved in my expressions of love for something. Things like tentacles, My Little Pony and cooking have become significant things in my life because I allowed other people to share in my happiness with me.

Today was an exercise in contained glee. I received a job offer, which I have accepted, that I am very pleased about...but I don't want my current workplace to feel that I have not enjoyed my time there or that I don't feel that my time there was worthwhile. I have enjoyed it for the most part, and it has been very worthwhile. I've met some really cool people and I've done some awesome things. But I feel like it's time to move on. My current position was the beginning of my career...but I never intended to make it all of my career and it's time to find new challenges and learn new things in a different environment.

The organisation I am moving to has indicated that they are planning to conduct research and publish in my field and that they want me to be a part of that process. They've indicated that my future plans of going back to uni to finish my masters is something that they will support. They want me involved in information literacy programming and seemed impressed with my proposition that information literacy should be a fundamental aspect of a holistic learning experience, not a separate and easily forgotten class held once a month in the Library. They want me to expand the learning community of the school to include parents and caregivers. And I will be the first person in this role. I am excited.

But I still feel like it's disrespectful to talk too much about the new position. I want to make it clear to my current workplace that for the next three weeks I will be preparing the position I am leaving so that it is in good working order for the next 3 months in case it takes a while to fill. I want to make sure that I am committed to doing a good job in the job I am in until the day I leave. I am looking forward to the new job, but I am trying to do it in my own time.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

These boots are made for...crushing Tokyo

In my early 20's someone I cared for very much took me a little too much for granted and my health was jeopardised as a result. I got angry and I cut the abusive bitch out of my life. This felt incredible because up until that point I had spent an enormous amount of time making sure everyone around me was happy. Often to my own detriment.

I would do some incredible mental and emotional acrobatics to try to see everyone in the best light possible. If I was being hurt I would try to look at the person who hurt me and see why the actions that were hurting me were necessary for them in some way, even to the point of blaming myself for being hurt in the first place. I don't need someone with a psych degree to tell me that's a bad idea.

Since then I've cut people out a few more times. Usually they have this highly amusing reaction of utter confusion followed by a fear/rage tantrum thrown in my general direction through the careful use of bitching behind my back and pretending they've done nothing wrong.

Apparently, despite my abject fear of confrontation and my annoying level-headedness, I have a widespread reputation as a big, scary mofo. I understand this to be a fear of the unknown. Most people have never argued with me. I don't really like arguing. It's not a thing I enjoy and, like Texas hold 'em poker, after a while I get bored, stop caring and either walk away or fall asleep. So most people don't have first-hand knowledge of exactly how an argument works with me. If I confront someone about something, it is usually after having thought about it long and hard and deciding that really, it's probably not too much of an imposition to ask this person to stop doing the thing that is bugging me.

Let's call this person Steve...I don't know any Steve's personally but it's a convenient name for a person you don't really like (sorry Steve). So, I'll go up to Steve and say "that thing you do, it makes me upset...here are some other options for things you could do instead. We should talk about this."

I know, right.

Though I must admit, there have been times when I have simply decided that I don't care any more. Then I'm not interested in building bridges. I don't feel the need to burn them as such, but I'm not going to sugarcoat the extent of my anger, frustration and boredom. If I feel this way it is usually best for Steve to find a new friend. Talking to me will not result in happiness and good will. It will usually result in a point by point list of the things that Steve has done to make me so incredibly ambivalent to his wellbeing. This feeling is the result of trying to fix the problem several times with no success and deciding that now is as good a time as any to just walk away.

It's not that it won't end well. It's that it's already ended badly and Steve just needs to catch up.